So this evening I was cleaning up dinner and Tomas brought home Chicken Fingers from work... (which by the way are so good) and anyways, of course I eat fries and Chicken Fingers with Ketchup and I always Squirt to much out of the bottle and tons goes to waste and I tell myself "JAYCI STOP WASTING ALL THIS KETCHUP, THEN YOU DON'T HAVE ANY LEFT WHEN YOU REALLY WANT IT" and I started crying at the sink watching the ketchup go down the drain!!!!!!!
I am not handling this well at all! Try as I may! And lately I feel that with Tomas I am giving him things just so I can take them away from him, maybe hurt him somehow! I am not sure why this is happening... I've become incredibly selfish with making sure my needs are met and things go smoothly for me! I am losing it a tad! And The one I should be holding on too, is the one I am pushing away and I can't figure it out!
FREAK I LOVE TOMAS!!!! OKAY I WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT!!! I AM IN LOVE WITH EVERY PART OF THAT BOY!
But here I am pushing THAT BOY to his breaking point! WHY! WHY! WHY!
I tell myself "BE HAPPY" I have lots of good things going look for the positive but I can't sometimes.
Its been a roller coaster lately so happy, connect with him in every way possible.
And then the next day its Hell for both of us.
Blah I can't seem to get it together sometimes.....
Meh!
"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I am out of control and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst then you sure the hell don't deserve me at my best!" Marilyn Monroe
I am my beloveds and my beloved is mine!
QUOTES FROM MY JOURNAL!!
"The truth is you could slit my throat, and with my one last gasping breathe I'd apologize for Bleeding on your shirt!
SEXY! CLASSY! FUN! BE IT
When Mom and Dad don't always Understand! A SISTER WILL.
A beautiful girl can make you dizzy, Like you've been drinking jack and coke all morning. She can make you feel high, Full of the single greatest commodity known to man: Promise. promise of a better day, promise of a greater hope, promise of a new tommorow. This particular aura, can be found in the gait of a beautiful girl. In her smile, and in her soul. In the way she makes every rotten little thing about life seem like it's gonna be ok.
LOVE IS TO PLAY!
MISS REESE CHARLY!
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MISS HALLE JAY!
"Making the decision to have a child-it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." --Elizabeth Stone
When two people love each other, really love each other. But they just can't seem to get it together. When do you get to that point that enough is enough? NEVER!
Picture me Rollin
About Me
- Chinos :)
- Hmmm. Me is now us and thats Tomas my up for it all Husband and Reese our little World and one more is on the way! Nuts two kids. But wow are these two little angels all worth it. :)
AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL ADDICT!
FREAKING HOT PHOTO!!
Good ole Whit! Size 10 baby!!!
AMAZING!!!
I loved Her!
DON'T FEEL BAD MOMMIES
Every Kid gets hurt, even if its your fault... Yes I did this too Reese tripped and fell right on her leg breaking her Femer Bone!! So I say this too all you new mommies they will sometimes get hurt, Quess what your still an AMAZING Mother :)
Some likes just can't be explained!!!
5 comments:
Hey Jayci, aren't hormones annoying!! I am definitely not going through what you are having to go through but I do understand the pushing away issue. John is gone ALOT for school, like he will leave around 8 in the morning and then get home around 11:00 at night or later and will do this 6 days a week for weeks at a time. When he does this for like even a week at a time instead of me being excited when he gets home its almost like I can feel myself resenting him and refusing to even hug him for leaving me home all day with the kids by myself. I think we are just putting up our guard and I think you have EVERY REASON to be a little selfish and wanting everything to go smoothly. He IS leaving for a long time and you DO need to be taken care of. It is scary to be completely in charge of your kids 24 hours a day everyday and even though you have family and friends around you that would drop everything to come and help you it still just doesn't feel that way.
Good luck with everything! Tomas knows this is going to be hard on you and he will love you even if you throw a frying pan at him or punch him in the face over the next couple of weeks. It's just a girls way of protecting herself.
Don't forget how much you are loved by not only your hubby and your girls but all of your family and friends and everyone that reads your blog. You CAN do this, whenever I think of you from high school or anything I always think of how strong and determined of a person you are. When you set your mind to something you do it!!
Sometimes Life SUCKS! I hope your last little while together gets better.
Erin P.
Do you have friends that have hubby's in the military? Can you talk to them about how they dealt with all the fear, dread, worry, sadness, resentment, etc.? I wonder if that would help to know that what you are feeling is "normal" and find someone who can help make this even a tiny bit easier. My heart is going out to both of you right now...you and Tomas are both in a living hell and I wish this whole war stuff could just be over and everyone could just come HOME!!! The only thing I can think to say to bring you hope is that as much as your pain is now--that is how much you JOY will be at his return. Hang in there babe. I'm so sorry you have to go through this....
I think this would be the most perfect time in all the world to fit in a quick honeymoon! Just you and your man for a day or two and just enjoying your time together away from the house, away from maybe your kids and away from the ketchup. I know that hunting season is a lot different than what you are goin through, but I do the same thing to Brad. I can't figure out why I do the things I do and it just makes me even more mad about the situation- I swear I could drive myself crazy- the things that will just fly out of my mouth, the things I do, I could go on and on about it. Then BRAD gives me these lectures about how I need to "CHOOSE" to be happy and it just pisses me off more :) Because I know he is right. Then the whole theory starts with "fake it till ya make it." So I PRETEND to be happy to my kids and to Brad and then all the sudden I don't have to any more. I become happy. I don't know if the stratagy will work for you, but that is the answer to me and every year I still do the same thing STILL!!! When will I really ever learn?! Good luck girl- what you guys are going through IS hard on both of you.
Hey Jayc,
WOW! That would be so hard trying not to think about him leaving. I've totally done silly things like the ketchup thing, too, though, so don't think you're weird! One time I made enchiladas and they were a tad too salty and I just started bawling! Cody was trying to be nice and eat them anyways until I started crying and dumped them down the drain, then he made us some mac and cheese. ANyways, I think it's all those funky hormones, plus dealing with kids can be really hard sometimes. We are going through some hard transitions right now too, and I said to Cody, "When am I going to start enjoying life?" And he said "As soon as you choose to." That has stuck with me these last couple days and it's really starting to work. We can choose to enjoy life or not, and as hard as it may sometimes be, it seems like things go a lot smoother with a positive attitude. I haven't been the best at that lately, but I'm sure tryin! Anyways, I hope things go good for you guys. YOu are such a fun girl and I"m sure an excellent fun mother.
On Keri's blog it says something close to this...Love is when you put the persons feelings before your own. Honestly everyone has their melt downs over small things, I had one yesterday when Nate TOLD me we werent going to my moms isn't of talking about dropping in for a sec or what I wanted and I just lost it! haha. But honestly when things aren't the happiest just think to yourself how much more UN happy you would be with out him in your life! It would be miserable, trying to work full time..paying for a place and all your bills on your own..going to bed by yourself..not having someone there for you when you do break down...not having that love he can only give you. Trust me things can be worse but its hard to see it sometimes. Be happy about the small things, being able to have children of your own, having a husbands who is willing to work on things, having a roof over your head, even as dumb as it sounds having food to eat everyday (so many people dont have any of those things). AND friends!! You have a lot of friends! You are a good person, dont push him away try to do things for him that he would love and it will make you happy! Thats what I do for Nate..I will make a great dinner or deep clean the house or get in something "sexy"...the small things that he would like you could do for him and in that itself it can make you happy! (these are things I do to thing positive or feel better..it might not work for everyone!) Your are a great person dont forget it!
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