I was wondering when this night would come that I would be able to write some of my thoughts and experiences on my blog, and still not sure if I am ready. But when the song gets inside me like tonight and I feel I can really let some things out!

I share..

If your reading this you really need to get in the right frame of mind to Read it! These are my most intimate thoughts, feelings not bullshit, completely Raw and Finally Real! ( Not lying to myself what I you use to think real was, which to me Was real back then).

"Why are you posting this on the world wide web then?" "Those who don't know me what do they care, so why would I care, those that do know me, like them to understand this new me if there still reading this, and if someone keeps fighting because of reading this then my darkest skeletons are worth it!"

I'm not sure when it went dark for me. Honestly I've been in the shadows for awhile but could still see. But when you can see even in the dimmest light your mind and your heart comprehends and believes that your in the light!

Basically I still made it through life, I had Friends, was a great athelete, had family that cared, supported and provided for me. Belonged to a relgion with solid good values. I made people laugh, kissed boys and got jobs. I could see certain dangers, avoid darker areas. But not being able to see clearly I made up my own world in front of me, sure real things happened to me because I could see just enough to be able to get through life, saw the same things others saw, and then imagined, lied, conived my way through the rest!

But lies are funny, they stop becoming lies they become real! You start to believe them, feeling them, I could literally create in my mind a broken arm, be able to show you where, what kind of break, how it happened, when it happened. What doctor took care of me, color of my cast, and the scar! Why does that happen because I've told the lie so so many times I believe it now, just as sure as I believe that the sky is blue.

If I tell myself I am a good, honest person, a fun outgoing, always has a story for everything. ( Guys that know me, think back did I not always always have a story for EVERYTHING?)

then I am. Even if I am hurting people around me I get to make up whats right in front of me! "Jayci, here is a million dollars I want to give you!" "No, thats not a million dollars, I get to make what I want to see, and if I don't see it, ITS NOT THERE!" So "Jayci, I love you I only want to help, BULLSHIT! "Jayci, thats probably not the right thing to do, telling you this because I care" BULLSHIT!

Did I really just throw my Family, friends, people I don't even know off that bridge, watching them lying there bleeding, People saw me do it, and told me "wow jayci you just Threw her or him right over.

And in my eyesite, I sure as hell didn't! I just pushed them, they didn't even fall down.

Now let me jump ahead for you, while I was in rehab I stepped out of the shadows, and saw myself and my life clearly, All of a sudden I wasn't able to make my own scenes of my life, I saw the cold hard truth!

1. Jayci was worth a damn! I deserved to see my life clearly.

2. The destruction! I couldn't even blink had to look at it, straight at it!

( I've never been emotionally exhausted, meaning your simply sitting in a chair not even moving and you cant sit up anymore, that day after seeing an honest life, a Real life was the most heart wrenching, knock out, freakin unreal grace of God experince of my life) more shattering then finding the love of my life, more shattering then bringing life into this life! It was God, It was me, walking over to this sweet beautiful girl picking her up, wiping her tears, showing her she wasn't lost, showing her the way, looking to her side and seeing a man, husband, who fits her in every way the strength of his heart, the warmth in his eyes, seeing the cuts and bruises from trying to lead her the right way, or look day after day for where she had gone. Looking down to her feet, and seeing to miracles with eyes just like hers, little hands reaching for an embrace only a mother can give, complete forgiveness and trust. Hearing 'I love you Mommy', "lets go build sandcasltes and be princesses" seeing when there little hands and feet were blue from the cold, the scum and dirt from not getting baths, so "mommy could go buy drugs" and couldn't afford the gas bill!

3. A happiness I have never known. A compassion I have never felt, A Regret, A Peace and a Rock hard hope that will never ever Fade, break, or drown!

God found me, God gave me the strength to turn my life over to him, when the shadows come I take his hand and let him lead me, don't try and go my own way! Spirituality is such a simple thing, Its made me be able to live in Harmony with the way things are, to never shut the door on my past let it serve me in my happiness of today! My attitude is the only thing I can control, if should react

JAYCI READ THIS!!!

I have to type this stuff down so I don't forget! And when Tomas comes back and we fall into the routine of husband and wife, and family life! I don't want to forget these things!!!
1. Jayci.. when tomas gets home GO to him and hug him, be glad he is home let him see it in my eyes.
2. When he got back from that 4 day mission and we finally got to talk on the phone, and I knew he was back at his base! I felt Butterfly's. We were both laughing we were so embarrassed by how good it was t hear eachother!
3. Good Friends! Oh thank you so much for your calls! Sometimes to be able to cry it out to someone helps so much! they took time out of there busy busy life to make sure I was okay!
4. That even though Tomas is all together to good for me! ( I don't say this out of pity or wanting it) its just the fact! As a human being Tomas is better than I! But He chooses me! And from that I draw power to be better!
5. Got out my car today! In a parking lot. And just Screamed! Banged my hands on the hood! and let it all out! Took some deep breathes and got back in the car! Reese looked at me like I was nuts! But sometimes its not good to keep it all in! Next time that urge comes! DO IT JAYCI just let it out! You will feel better!

Swear on our Dovvve!!

You know those situations where, you find yourself surrounded by lots of people but yet you feel somewhat all alone, no real connection with anyone! I mean they have to see it in my eyes, that what i'm looking at isn't at all what I'm seeing or feeling! Just that lost dazed look! I feel I wear that alot these days!

It brings me back to swimming! Haven't swam in a long long time! Quick thought how something can just consume your life and as life moves on it simply fades!!! Anyways, I swam distance races, which means, I had to control my pace, start out strong and get in a good groove, but with each lap try too gain more speed and maintain that speed! I feel with this Deployment I'm on my last two laps! They put numbers in the water so you can see what lap your on, and when you make hit that last two lengths, bells go off that you can hear, and when you turn instead of a number there is a bright red square!!! And You give it all you have, even when there is no more, you've been numb to the pain because you've been at that pace for awhile, and then BAM time to dig deep and give it your all!!!

I'm there!!! With this deployment! I'm on my last two laps and I'm so so tired, but I've just got to dig deep and find the strength to preform better and more brillant than I even started! Because if you don't you might not finish where you would like!!! And me and Tomas really have been going for Gold! These past few weeks, we have both felt so so drained, yet continue to give each other strength, and love, share memories, laugh together, cry together! But man we are so exhausted! But Tomas is so good at being that bright red square for me!!! The JAYCI KICK IN GEAR GIRL YOU WANT TO WIN THIS RACE, AND YOU WANT BE PROUD OF THE RACE YOU JUST FINISHED!!

Tomas has had it so much harder than I have, and yet he is still there for me, cheering me up, leaving me texts, sweet notes on facebook! And then a post like that just gives me such motivation! He is part of me and I him. And there literally have been some days where I Think his soul is in me pushing me along! The girls have his eyes and his zest for life! His playfulness, and his comfort! To not be able to hold and touch what you created has been one of Tomas's biggest challenges and he still has a bright smile, or song to sing to them!

I'm sorry Tomas for my mistakes and my selfish nature!

But i'm not sorry at how they show me what I have. And how lucky I am to have a Good Man on my arm! I'm not going to say I don't deserve you because I think you were made just for me! Your body was made to fit mine perfectly! To finish my sentences, to kiss the tears, to share my bed, use my 30 dollar shampoo ;), to finish cleaning the dishes!

Tomas I could die right now! Lighting could come down and strike me dead! And all I can do is smile! Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face to wake me up and realize what I have! Your my religion Tomas! I couldn't and wouldn't be the Women I am today, the mother I am today, the wife without you! Everyday I wake up I choose you!!! And Every night I go to sleep your my dreams! Your my Fairytale! We will always have our stumbles but this deployment has proven our love and commitment that I would never trade!

I'm so excited when we get back into the swing of life, that we will have these memories of what it could be like! And be grateful to be able to hug eachother, smell, taste, hear, feel! Things that I took for granted will not happen! I have real life experiences to remind me of my mind blowing, crazy almost love for you!

Oh I crave the Peace of laying in bed and hearing you get in the shower and open cupboards, hear you eat, laugh! And know your only secs away if I want too suddenly hold you!

I believe in you Tomas, in our future that won't just be about laundry and soccer practice and sub divisions and minivans! I want to make you a better person, I want to be a example! I want to love another child into this world! (in time teheee) I want to stimulate your mind and your body! I want to give and I want to get! And I want it all in You!

It may sound woo woo hoo hah but I can feel the growth in us Tomas!

I love our Spark!

I love whatever it is about you that lets me be me or more to the point, whatever it is about you that makes me be a better me!

I imagine the time in the shower in our little house in North Ogden, I opened my eyes and the color of your eyes somehow green yet bright blue just staring right into my soul, and your eyelashes were so long and stuck togther, and I felt how beautiful I was from your eyes!!!

Tomas I love you! And I can't wait till this Race is over, and we can look back and from that go more forward!!!

Reese and Halle love yo so so much! I love that art piece I bought instead of paying the gas bill! ;)
MY PRINCE HAS COME.... HIS NAME IS DADDY!

All my love Tomas in this life and beyond!!!!! J

I miss her so much..

So this is Tomas. I just needed to write a post for my wife. I want everybody to know how much I love and miss Jayci every min of every day. I knew I loved Jayci from the moment I saw her walk into Denney's I was in the middle of being dumped bye my girlfriend of almost for years and was pretty broken. I was hanging out with my buddy Jared and he said hey lets hang out with this girl Jayci. I wasn't really in the mood but went anyways. So we are there drinking water and here comes this girl beautiful smile that caught my eye right off the bat. I remember what she was wearing, how could I forget? Right off the bat we became best friend. I knew deep down I wanted more then that. So we all hung out for a month almost every day when out of the blue she said I am moving to Hawaii I was a little hurt but I fingered she is just not the one for me. Wile she was gone we still talked on the phone all the time and i decided i need to get away do something good and something for me. In a matter of two days without telling anybody I joined the army. Two days before i left i was working at blockbuster and Jared said hey I am going to stop bye i have some thing for you. He pulled up came in the store and walked with me trying to get me to look at him when out of the corner of my eye i saw a girl walk in with this volcom hat She smiled and right whin I saw that beautiful smile my heart stoped. I knew who it was. I ran over to her gave her the biggest hug and asked her if i could give her a ride home. On the way to B.F.E. aka honeyville She said something i wont ever forget " hey look what channa wrote" I read her text and it said. Are you going to kiss him? Once again My heart stoped because I have wanted to kiss this girl from day one. I pulled in her drive way and went in for the kill. And there was something in my way. It was her hat even though it look so cute on her I had to rip it off and throw it in the back of my truck. It was a day i will never forget. The next day I left for boot camp and I was at the office to leave and who showed up Jayci with that Beautiful smile and guess what? Yep my heat stopped again. That is a little bit of our story. I just want every one to know that My heart Skipp's a beat when I am around her. That she is my world and I am the man and father I am today because I have her in my life. Jayci has my Heart and will for now and forever.. I love you Jayci Dawn Chino You will be in my arms in only three short months. And yes my heart will stop or skip a beat when I get off that plain and see her standing there... This past year has been filled with tears, Tears of sadness, tears of happiness, tears of love, and soon the best tears yet. Tears of a reunion. That we know we will never be apart and if we are that we have each other to lean on. See you soon Baby.


LOVE TOMAS..

I'm miles from where you are

Since I've got Facebook, I feel like I'm neglecting my blog! And its funny because the only time I want to write is when I hear a song that I want to write about!
This song is pretty self explanatory! Bottom line I miss Tomas so bad sometimes I can't breathe! I want him here more than anything, feel his weight on me! His soft nuzzles and warm smiles! There isn't much I wouldn't do if someone said you can see him right now! Like I said before ever since we talked on New years that magic is still with us! Every time we talk we are cracking up about our beautiful girls, funny movie quotes! And we both know how much we love each other,it probably takes six or seven I love yous to hang up! Next year at this time, I'm going to come back and read these posts and remember how strong me and Tomas are! How determined we are to be happy and have passion in our relationship! To always want to take care of the other! As much as I envy other couples that are together! I pity them as well that they don't get an opportunity to grow and the things you learn by having your other half sent to war!

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from 'A' to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths Jobby that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My finger in creases of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've found so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

After I have traveled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming, pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep in

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
And I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
and I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

WELCOME TO FLEMINGS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!

So I had to work this New years, And I was okay with that, since the one I wanted to kiss when the bells rang in the new year is out of town!! But we were so busy and the people that came in were in great fun party moods! The girls spent the night with my mom, and have a huge party!! lol, my girls partied harder than there mom and dad this year! I got off at like 11, went to Betos and got there plain tortillas, Love them, and then went home and called Tomas! I have to write about that conversation last night, it was just magical, amazing! We talked about life and the previous new years. And just making each other laugh! Talking about girls and how special they are! And how nuts they can be! Talked about our goals! Our future... We gave each other strength to get through the rest of this deployment!Talked about how much we miss sex, well not just "talked" lol! We just enjoyed being together, even just through the phone! He wished me sweet dreams and that's how my new year began! Its been a crazy decade! I graduated ,moved to Hawaii, got married, had two girls! And I'm excited for the next one!!!!!!!!!!!! Farewell 2009!