Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I was wondering when this night would come that I would be able to write some of my thoughts and experiences on my blog, and still not sure if I am ready. But when the song gets inside me like tonight and I feel I can really let some things out!

I share..

If your reading this you really need to get in the right frame of mind to Read it! These are my most intimate thoughts, feelings not bullshit, completely Raw and Finally Real! ( Not lying to myself what I you use to think real was, which to me Was real back then).

"Why are you posting this on the world wide web then?" "Those who don't know me what do they care, so why would I care, those that do know me, like them to understand this new me if there still reading this, and if someone keeps fighting because of reading this then my darkest skeletons are worth it!"

I'm not sure when it went dark for me. Honestly I've been in the shadows for awhile but could still see. But when you can see even in the dimmest light your mind and your heart comprehends and believes that your in the light!

Basically I still made it through life, I had Friends, was a great athelete, had family that cared, supported and provided for me. Belonged to a relgion with solid good values. I made people laugh, kissed boys and got jobs. I could see certain dangers, avoid darker areas. But not being able to see clearly I made up my own world in front of me, sure real things happened to me because I could see just enough to be able to get through life, saw the same things others saw, and then imagined, lied, conived my way through the rest!

But lies are funny, they stop becoming lies they become real! You start to believe them, feeling them, I could literally create in my mind a broken arm, be able to show you where, what kind of break, how it happened, when it happened. What doctor took care of me, color of my cast, and the scar! Why does that happen because I've told the lie so so many times I believe it now, just as sure as I believe that the sky is blue.

If I tell myself I am a good, honest person, a fun outgoing, always has a story for everything. ( Guys that know me, think back did I not always always have a story for EVERYTHING?)

then I am. Even if I am hurting people around me I get to make up whats right in front of me! "Jayci, here is a million dollars I want to give you!" "No, thats not a million dollars, I get to make what I want to see, and if I don't see it, ITS NOT THERE!" So "Jayci, I love you I only want to help, BULLSHIT! "Jayci, thats probably not the right thing to do, telling you this because I care" BULLSHIT!

Did I really just throw my Family, friends, people I don't even know off that bridge, watching them lying there bleeding, People saw me do it, and told me "wow jayci you just Threw her or him right over.

And in my eyesite, I sure as hell didn't! I just pushed them, they didn't even fall down.

Now let me jump ahead for you, while I was in rehab I stepped out of the shadows, and saw myself and my life clearly, All of a sudden I wasn't able to make my own scenes of my life, I saw the cold hard truth!

1. Jayci was worth a damn! I deserved to see my life clearly.

2. The destruction! I couldn't even blink had to look at it, straight at it!

( I've never been emotionally exhausted, meaning your simply sitting in a chair not even moving and you cant sit up anymore, that day after seeing an honest life, a Real life was the most heart wrenching, knock out, freakin unreal grace of God experince of my life) more shattering then finding the love of my life, more shattering then bringing life into this life! It was God, It was me, walking over to this sweet beautiful girl picking her up, wiping her tears, showing her she wasn't lost, showing her the way, looking to her side and seeing a man, husband, who fits her in every way the strength of his heart, the warmth in his eyes, seeing the cuts and bruises from trying to lead her the right way, or look day after day for where she had gone. Looking down to her feet, and seeing to miracles with eyes just like hers, little hands reaching for an embrace only a mother can give, complete forgiveness and trust. Hearing 'I love you Mommy', "lets go build sandcasltes and be princesses" seeing when there little hands and feet were blue from the cold, the scum and dirt from not getting baths, so "mommy could go buy drugs" and couldn't afford the gas bill!

3. A happiness I have never known. A compassion I have never felt, A Regret, A Peace and a Rock hard hope that will never ever Fade, break, or drown!

God found me, God gave me the strength to turn my life over to him, when the shadows come I take his hand and let him lead me, don't try and go my own way! Spirituality is such a simple thing, Its made me be able to live in Harmony with the way things are, to never shut the door on my past let it serve me in my happiness of today! My attitude is the only thing I can control, if should react


Chad and Lux said...

I'm touched as I read this. I think everybody should know how much they are worth it and when we have to find that out for ourselves it's hard. It's hard to have to step out of the "comfortable" pain and step into "uncomfortable" happiness.
I feel for you in a way, I've been there through the denial, drugs and then having to rehabilitate myself into believing I was worth something and that I had something to offer the world.
It's an amazing and wonderful thing once you see the world through new eyes and such a blessing to be able to hold onto that for as long as you can.
I'm proud of you for letting it all out, thanks it helped me to read this and know that others are the same way. Hang in there girl I'm proud of you!

#6 Drake Family! said...

I am always inspired and amazed at what you write! You are such an amazing person and you need to see yourself as nothing but that! AMAZING! I never knew there was anything wrong, i hope that you know I am here if you ever need anything! Please, just call if you need to talk to someone. Love ya!

Tiffany said...

You continue to amaze me with the way you totally bare your soul...I am so glad that you can see the "light"....I've been in total darkness before and the only way to define that feeling is "hell on earth". The light is always you have found, it is us who turn away from it--from HIM. I can tell you that He is always there for you and He is the way and the Light and the TRUTH...everything else is "bullshit"....xoxo

Randy and Malissa Johnson said...

I'm so glad that you are feeling better. I've missed you!! I know that our Heavenly Father is there waiting for us to turn to him. We just have to have the faith to turn to him for help. You are such a wonderful friend. I love you and miss you.