Swear on our Dovvve!!

You know those situations where, you find yourself surrounded by lots of people but yet you feel somewhat all alone, no real connection with anyone! I mean they have to see it in my eyes, that what i'm looking at isn't at all what I'm seeing or feeling! Just that lost dazed look! I feel I wear that alot these days!

It brings me back to swimming! Haven't swam in a long long time! Quick thought how something can just consume your life and as life moves on it simply fades!!! Anyways, I swam distance races, which means, I had to control my pace, start out strong and get in a good groove, but with each lap try too gain more speed and maintain that speed! I feel with this Deployment I'm on my last two laps! They put numbers in the water so you can see what lap your on, and when you make hit that last two lengths, bells go off that you can hear, and when you turn instead of a number there is a bright red square!!! And You give it all you have, even when there is no more, you've been numb to the pain because you've been at that pace for awhile, and then BAM time to dig deep and give it your all!!!

I'm there!!! With this deployment! I'm on my last two laps and I'm so so tired, but I've just got to dig deep and find the strength to preform better and more brillant than I even started! Because if you don't you might not finish where you would like!!! And me and Tomas really have been going for Gold! These past few weeks, we have both felt so so drained, yet continue to give each other strength, and love, share memories, laugh together, cry together! But man we are so exhausted! But Tomas is so good at being that bright red square for me!!! The JAYCI KICK IN GEAR GIRL YOU WANT TO WIN THIS RACE, AND YOU WANT BE PROUD OF THE RACE YOU JUST FINISHED!!

Tomas has had it so much harder than I have, and yet he is still there for me, cheering me up, leaving me texts, sweet notes on facebook! And then a post like that just gives me such motivation! He is part of me and I him. And there literally have been some days where I Think his soul is in me pushing me along! The girls have his eyes and his zest for life! His playfulness, and his comfort! To not be able to hold and touch what you created has been one of Tomas's biggest challenges and he still has a bright smile, or song to sing to them!

I'm sorry Tomas for my mistakes and my selfish nature!

But i'm not sorry at how they show me what I have. And how lucky I am to have a Good Man on my arm! I'm not going to say I don't deserve you because I think you were made just for me! Your body was made to fit mine perfectly! To finish my sentences, to kiss the tears, to share my bed, use my 30 dollar shampoo ;), to finish cleaning the dishes!

Tomas I could die right now! Lighting could come down and strike me dead! And all I can do is smile! Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face to wake me up and realize what I have! Your my religion Tomas! I couldn't and wouldn't be the Women I am today, the mother I am today, the wife without you! Everyday I wake up I choose you!!! And Every night I go to sleep your my dreams! Your my Fairytale! We will always have our stumbles but this deployment has proven our love and commitment that I would never trade!

I'm so excited when we get back into the swing of life, that we will have these memories of what it could be like! And be grateful to be able to hug eachother, smell, taste, hear, feel! Things that I took for granted will not happen! I have real life experiences to remind me of my mind blowing, crazy almost love for you!

Oh I crave the Peace of laying in bed and hearing you get in the shower and open cupboards, hear you eat, laugh! And know your only secs away if I want too suddenly hold you!

I believe in you Tomas, in our future that won't just be about laundry and soccer practice and sub divisions and minivans! I want to make you a better person, I want to be a example! I want to love another child into this world! (in time teheee) I want to stimulate your mind and your body! I want to give and I want to get! And I want it all in You!

It may sound woo woo hoo hah but I can feel the growth in us Tomas!

I love our Spark!

I love whatever it is about you that lets me be me or more to the point, whatever it is about you that makes me be a better me!

I imagine the time in the shower in our little house in North Ogden, I opened my eyes and the color of your eyes somehow green yet bright blue just staring right into my soul, and your eyelashes were so long and stuck togther, and I felt how beautiful I was from your eyes!!!

Tomas I love you! And I can't wait till this Race is over, and we can look back and from that go more forward!!!

Reese and Halle love yo so so much! I love that art piece I bought instead of paying the gas bill! ;)
MY PRINCE HAS COME.... HIS NAME IS DADDY!

All my love Tomas in this life and beyond!!!!! J

I miss her so much..

So this is Tomas. I just needed to write a post for my wife. I want everybody to know how much I love and miss Jayci every min of every day. I knew I loved Jayci from the moment I saw her walk into Denney's I was in the middle of being dumped bye my girlfriend of almost for years and was pretty broken. I was hanging out with my buddy Jared and he said hey lets hang out with this girl Jayci. I wasn't really in the mood but went anyways. So we are there drinking water and here comes this girl beautiful smile that caught my eye right off the bat. I remember what she was wearing, how could I forget? Right off the bat we became best friend. I knew deep down I wanted more then that. So we all hung out for a month almost every day when out of the blue she said I am moving to Hawaii I was a little hurt but I fingered she is just not the one for me. Wile she was gone we still talked on the phone all the time and i decided i need to get away do something good and something for me. In a matter of two days without telling anybody I joined the army. Two days before i left i was working at blockbuster and Jared said hey I am going to stop bye i have some thing for you. He pulled up came in the store and walked with me trying to get me to look at him when out of the corner of my eye i saw a girl walk in with this volcom hat She smiled and right whin I saw that beautiful smile my heart stoped. I knew who it was. I ran over to her gave her the biggest hug and asked her if i could give her a ride home. On the way to B.F.E. aka honeyville She said something i wont ever forget " hey look what channa wrote" I read her text and it said. Are you going to kiss him? Once again My heart stoped because I have wanted to kiss this girl from day one. I pulled in her drive way and went in for the kill. And there was something in my way. It was her hat even though it look so cute on her I had to rip it off and throw it in the back of my truck. It was a day i will never forget. The next day I left for boot camp and I was at the office to leave and who showed up Jayci with that Beautiful smile and guess what? Yep my heat stopped again. That is a little bit of our story. I just want every one to know that My heart Skipp's a beat when I am around her. That she is my world and I am the man and father I am today because I have her in my life. Jayci has my Heart and will for now and forever.. I love you Jayci Dawn Chino You will be in my arms in only three short months. And yes my heart will stop or skip a beat when I get off that plain and see her standing there... This past year has been filled with tears, Tears of sadness, tears of happiness, tears of love, and soon the best tears yet. Tears of a reunion. That we know we will never be apart and if we are that we have each other to lean on. See you soon Baby.


LOVE TOMAS..

I'm miles from where you are

Since I've got Facebook, I feel like I'm neglecting my blog! And its funny because the only time I want to write is when I hear a song that I want to write about!
This song is pretty self explanatory! Bottom line I miss Tomas so bad sometimes I can't breathe! I want him here more than anything, feel his weight on me! His soft nuzzles and warm smiles! There isn't much I wouldn't do if someone said you can see him right now! Like I said before ever since we talked on New years that magic is still with us! Every time we talk we are cracking up about our beautiful girls, funny movie quotes! And we both know how much we love each other,it probably takes six or seven I love yous to hang up! Next year at this time, I'm going to come back and read these posts and remember how strong me and Tomas are! How determined we are to be happy and have passion in our relationship! To always want to take care of the other! As much as I envy other couples that are together! I pity them as well that they don't get an opportunity to grow and the things you learn by having your other half sent to war!

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from 'A' to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths Jobby that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My finger in creases of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've found so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

After I have traveled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming, pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep in

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
And I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
and I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

WELCOME TO FLEMINGS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!

So I had to work this New years, And I was okay with that, since the one I wanted to kiss when the bells rang in the new year is out of town!! But we were so busy and the people that came in were in great fun party moods! The girls spent the night with my mom, and have a huge party!! lol, my girls partied harder than there mom and dad this year! I got off at like 11, went to Betos and got there plain tortillas, Love them, and then went home and called Tomas! I have to write about that conversation last night, it was just magical, amazing! We talked about life and the previous new years. And just making each other laugh! Talking about girls and how special they are! And how nuts they can be! Talked about our goals! Our future... We gave each other strength to get through the rest of this deployment!Talked about how much we miss sex, well not just "talked" lol! We just enjoyed being together, even just through the phone! He wished me sweet dreams and that's how my new year began! Its been a crazy decade! I graduated ,moved to Hawaii, got married, had two girls! And I'm excited for the next one!!!!!!!!!!!! Farewell 2009!

3

Sorry my posts have been all about music but I'm missing Tomas so much and Can't read anymore!!! I love finding new bands, and then I go through and listen to almost every damn song. The mountain goats what the hell kind of name is that!?! But these songs just hit me hard, the lyrics, his voice! But I'm going to explain how I feel these songs touch me!!!

Here we go!

Game shows that touch our lives
The Mountain Goats...

"Dug up a fifth of Hood River gin
That stuff tastes like medicine
But I'll take it
It'll do

On the couch in the living room all day long
Music on the television playing our song
And I'm in the mood
The mood for you

Turn the volume up real high
All of that money look at it fly
And you smoking like a chimney
Shadows crawled across the living room's length
I held onto you with a desperate strength
With everything with everything in me
And I handed you a drink of the lovely little thing
On which our survival depends
People say friends don't destroy one another
What do they know about friends?

Thunderclouds forming cream white moon
Everything's going to be okay soon
Maybe tomorrow
Maybe the next day

Carried you up the stairs that night
All of this could be yours if the price is right
I heard cars headed down to oblivion
Up on the expressway
Your drunken kisses as light as the air
Maybe everything that falls down eventually rises
Our house sinking into disrepair
Ah but look at this showroom filled with fabulous prizes"

I love this song because it reminds me of when we had Halle, and we were both so exhausted from lack of sleep, And for that 1st week we woke up and watched tv almost all day! Just cuddling on the couch and we couldn't even see the floor it was that messy!
"I held onto you with a desperate strength
With everything with everything in me"

I love this line!! Most of us are holding on with everything in us!

"Everything's going to be okay soon
Maybe tomorrow
Maybe the next day"

This line is the attitude I try and have with being gone! Tomas is so strong, HE WILL MAKE IT HOME! Back to my arms!!!!

"Our house sinking into disrepair
Ah but look at this showroom filled with fabulous prizes"

I think this is super profound! You may have a big beautiful home, with nice appliances, soft carpets and amazing furniture! But with alot of people I think its Bull shit!
We fill our homes with fabulous prizes, but if your not happy those prizes mean nothing!!!

NO CHILDREN!
The Mountain Goats
I hope that our few remaining friends
Give up on trying to save us
I hope we come up with a failsafe plot
To piss of the dumb few that forgave us
I hope the fences we mended
Fall down beneath their own weight
And I hope we hang on past the last exit
I hope it's already too late
And I hope the junkyard a few blocks from here
Someday burns down
And I hope the rising black smoke carries me far away
And I never come back to this town again
In my life
I hope I lie
And tell everyone you were a good wife THIS IS WHERE THE TEARS STARTED! LOL BECAUSE I KNOW TOMAS WILL ALWAYS TELL PEOPLE THAT I WAS A GOOD WIFE, AND MOTHER! EVEN IF IT IS A LIE! UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
And I hope you die
I hope we both die

I hope I cut myself shaving tommorow
I hope it bleeds all day long
Our friends say it's darkest befor the sun rises
We're pretty sure they're all wrong
I hope it stays dark forever
I hope the worst is'nt over
I hope you blink before I do
And I hope I never get sober
And I hope when you think of me years down the line
You can't find one good thing to say
And I hope that if I found the strength to walk out
You'd stay the hell out of my way
I am drowning
There is no sign of land
Your are coming down with me I HOPE ITS UP! BUT NO MATTER WHAT IT'LL BE HAND IN HAND
Hand in unloveable hand
And I hope you die
I hope we both die


Okay that song is pretty dark, Bottom line Marriage is tough! You know those days when all your doing is fighting and trying to up the other! And you contemplate are you happy? is this the life you chose? Do you want out? Probably one of the hardest times in our married lives was when we had just had reese and we were so so broke! Tomas would leave before 8 and sometimes get home by 8 or 9, I was lonely and depressed, tomas didn't like were he was at in his life, trying to decide how to juggle school work, his family! We were hiding certain things in our lives to people! IT felt like the world was crumbling around us and we were just helpless! This song reminds me of the self pity I was allowing myself to feel! I literally wanted to be carried far far away! I really love the ending of this song, only because I interpret that no matter what, that whether me and Tomas are going down together, or Up together!! I'll never let him go! And he won't let me go! Sometimes remembering the bad makes the now that much more sweeter! And thats how this song hit me! I wouldn't trade places with the us back then for the us now, even with tomas a million miles away right now!




SEVENTY TIMES SEVEN!
Brand New

Back in school they never taught us
What we needed to know
Like how to deal with despair
Or someone breakin your heart
For twelve years I've held it all together
But a night like this is just beggin to pull me apart LOVE LOVE THIS LINE!!
I played it quiet left you deep in conversation
I felt uncool and hung out around the kitchen
I remember I kept thinking
That I know you never would
And now I know I want to kill you
Like only a best friend could

Everyone's caught on to everything you do
Everyone's caught on to...

As if it happening wasn't enough
I got to go and write a song
Just to remind myself how bad it sucked
Ignore the sun, covers over my head
Wrote a message on my pillow that says
"Jesse, stay asleep in bed"
Don't apologize (I hope you choke and die!)
Search your cell for something which to hang yourself MY CELL PRETTY MUCH HUNG ME
They say you need to pray
If you want to go to heaven
But they don't tell you what to say
When your whole life is going to Hell!

Everyone's caught on to everything you do
Everyone's caught on to...
Everyone's caught on to
(and I can't let you let me down again)
Everything you do
Everyone's caught on to...
(and I can't let you let me down again)

So is that what you call a getaway?
Well tell me what you got away with
Cause I've seen more spine on jellyfish
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids THIS PERSON WOULDN'T HAVE OWNED UP TO ANYTHING..
Have another drink and drive yourself home
I hope there's ice on all the roads
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt
Then again when your head goes through the windshield

Is that what you call tact?
You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back
So let's end this call and end this conversation
And is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with
Cause you left the frays from the ties you severed
When you say "best friends" means friends forever

Is that what you call a getaway?
Well tell me what you got away with
Cause I've seen more spine on jellyfish
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids
Have another drink and drive yourself home
I hope there's ice on all the roads
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt
Then again when your head goes through the windshield

(I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to everything you do
(and I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to...
(I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to everything you do
(and I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to...

I've loved this song heard it several million times ;) but a while back I was driving and crying, Reese had just finished her tae kwon do class and we were driving home, but that song came on the radio so instead I just kept on driving, I grabbed my cd case and found that song and put it on repeat! At first I just focused the song on a certain person and was like yes, exactly! Damn this song got it right!!! At this point I hadn't really taken full responsibility for my actions and was just pissed off at everything!!! Alot of Whys, why me, Why didn't I do things different, why am I all alone dealing with this! And just Blaming this person! But that drive changed alot of things. I found myself driving to the one I had hurts work, The girls were asleep and I sat there for over an hour, Crying and trying to think of the best possible most sincere apology that I could muster! I said it allowed over and over, but I couldn't get out of the car! I watched the person I had hurt just get in there car and drive away! I still regret not getting out of my car! on the way home the song I felt was about me, that I had no spine, no guts, and people were probably hoping I'd go through a windsheild. Because the next day all hell broke loose! Phone calls and Emails and Texting, I felt like an animal shoved in a corner! And my reaction was to fight! And in the end lost everyone! But whenever I hear this song I can't help but think this is what he deserves!!! I'm proud of myself for speaking up!! But I kinda hate myself for speaking up!!! I may only be able to tpye it or think it. Right now! But I honestly am so broken and sorry for the part I Played! If I get up to heaven and god lets me look down and change some things, This would be right up front!


Anyways Sorry these are all kinda downer songs! Happy ones just don't hit that spot as hard! But they all three brought up feelings that I needed to deal with, and my blog is where it falls!

LYRIC OVERLOAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HEAVENLY DAY

Oh heavenly day, all the clouds blew away
Got no trouble today with anyone
The smile on your face I live only to see
It's enough for me, baby, it's enough for me
Oh, heavenly day, heavenly day, heavenly day

Tomorrow may rain with sorrow
Here's a little time we can borrow
Forget all our troubles in these moments so few
All we've got right now, the only thing that
All we really have to do
Is have ourselves a heavenly day
Lay here and watch the trees sway
Oh, can't see no other way, no way, no way
Heavenly day, heavenly day, heavenly day

No one at my shoulder bringing me fears
Got no clouds up above me bringing me tears
Got nothing to tell you, I've got nothing much to say
Only I'm glad to be here with you
On this heavenly, heavenly, heavenly, heavenly
Heavenly day, all the trouble's gone away
Oh, for a while anyway, for a while anyway
Heavenly day, heavenly day, heavenly day

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

Oh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ah ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh
Oh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh
Oh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh

You gotta leave me now
You gotta go along
You gotta chase a dream
One that's all your own
Before it slips away

When you're flying high
Take my heart along
I'll be the harmony
To every lonely song
But you'll learn to play

When you're soaring through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down

I keep looking up
Waiting your return
My greatest fear will be
That you will crash and burn
And I won't feel your fire

I'll be the other hand
That always holds a line
Connecting in between
Your sweet heart and mine
I'm strung out on that wire

And I'll be on the other end
To hear you when you call
Angel you were born to fly
And if you get too high
I'll catch you when you fall
Catch you when you fall

The memories, the sunshine
Every new day brings
I know the sky is calling
Angel let me help you with your wings

When you're soaring through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down

Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down

You me and the Bourgeisie

Here I am with all the pleasures of the first world
Laid out before me who am I to breakdown?

Everyday I wake up,
to fall apart
I choose love
I choose light
And I try, it's too easy just
Oh my baby don't be so distressed
Were done with politesse
It's time to be so brutally honest about
The way we know we long for something fine
When we pine for higher ceilings
And bourgeois happy feelings

And here we are in the center of the first world
It's laid out before us, who are we to break down?

Everyday we wake up
We choose love
We choose light
And we try, it's too easy just to fall apart

Plastic bottles
Imported water
Cars we drive wherever we want to
Clothes we buy it's sweatshop labor
Drugs from corporate enablers
We're not living the good life
'Cause we're fighting the good fight
You and me just trying to get it right

In the center of the first world
It's laid out before us, who are we to break down?

Everyday we wake up
We choose Love
We choose light
And we try, it's too easy just to fall apart

Love can free us from all excess
From our deepest debts
Cause when our hearts are full we need much less

Yea I know we long for something fine
When we pine for higher ceilings
And bourgeois happy feelings

But here we are in the center of the first world
It's laid out before us, who are we to break down?

Here we are in the center of the first world
It's laid out before us, who are we to break down?

Everyday we wake up
We choose love
We choose light
And we try, it's too easy just to fall apart

Everyday we wake up
We choose love
We choose light
And we try, it's too easy just to fall apart

PART ONE
The bottom the earth i have to fall
But you really caught me
You really caught me, dear
At the bottom where I'd fallen.

And slowly dear ask that you dance with me
Here with the shades down
Lights off

When i didn't know you
And everything i do
Done badly

Now I'll love you always
Even when i say
You distract me.

And sit out tonight in some strange place
If we have no friends here
Well i had a few to begin with

To wake next to you in the morning
And good morning to you.
How do you do?
Hey, good morning to you!
More covers for you.
Sleep soundly dear cause i have to go.

And I'll love you always.
When we leave this place
And drive back to Carolina
And down to Savannah and
Stay

GUESS THATS WHY THEY CALL ME THE BLUES!

Don't wish it away
Don't look at it like it's forever
Between you and me I can honestly say
That things will only get better

And while I'm away
Dust out the demons inside
And it won't be long before you and me run
To the place in our hearts where we hide

And I guess that's why they call it the blues
Time on my hands should be time spent with you
Laughing like children, living like lovers
Rolling like thunder under the covers
And I guess that's why they call it the blues

Just stare into space
Picture my face in your hands
Live for each second without hesitation
And never forget I'm your man, Mary Mary


Wait on me girl
Cry in the night if it helps
But more than ever I simply love you
More than I love life itself


And I guess that's why they call it the blues
Time on my hands should be time spent with you
Laughing like children, living like lovers
Rolling like thunder under the covers
And I guess that's why they call it the blues

And I guess that's why they call it the blues
Time on my hands (time on my hands) should be time spent with you
Laughing like children (laughing like children), living like lovers
Rolling like thunder under the covers
And I guess that's why they call it the blues

And I guess that's why they call it the blues

And I guess that's why they call it the blues

HOWS IT GOING TO BE
I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore
Before you take a swing
I wonder what are we fighting for
When I say out loud
I want to get out of this
I wonder is there anything
I'm going to miss
I wonder how it's going to be
When you don't know me
How's it going to be
When you're sure I'm not there
How's it going to be
When there's no one there to talk to
Between you and me
Cause I don't care
How's it going to be
How's it going to be
Where we used to laugh
There's a shouting match
Sharp as a thumbnail scratch
A silence I can't ignore
Like the hammock by the
Doorway we spent time in swings empty
Don't see lightning like last fall
When it was always about to hit me
I wonder how's it going to be
When it goes down
How's it going to be
When you're not around
How's it going to be
When you found out there was nothing
Between you and me
Cause I don't care
How's it going to be
And how's it going to be
When you don't know me anymore
And how's it going to be
Want to get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivion
I want to taste the salt of your skin
The soft dive of oblivion oblivion
How's it going to be
When you don't know me anymore
How's it going to be
How's it going to be
How's it going to be


"Even If"

Never thought I would, find the words that could
Stand up through any weather
Something I could say, you could hear today
But stay with you forever
Just when I was losing my faith, and I was losing my way
It came to me as clear as day

[Chorus:]
Even if I wake up and find I'm alone
Cause the whole world's turned to stone
And my God says it's time I take you home
I'll be happy going knowing that I loved you

Innocent and mild, must be heaven's child
Sent to make me believe (Make me believe)
On my darkest night, all you have to do is smile
And you breathe new life into me
Just when I was losing my faith, and losing my way
You came to me as clear as day

[Chorus]
There'll be a time
When I'm gonna have to leave this sweet place behind
But baby before I go, I gotta make sure you know
'Bout the joy that you bring to my life

[Chorus 2x]

I'll be happy going knowing that I loved you [3x]

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”