I was wondering when this night would come that I would be able to write some of my thoughts and experiences on my blog, and still not sure if I am ready. But when the song gets inside me like tonight and I feel I can really let some things out!

I share..

If your reading this you really need to get in the right frame of mind to Read it! These are my most intimate thoughts, feelings not bullshit, completely Raw and Finally Real! ( Not lying to myself what I you use to think real was, which to me Was real back then).

"Why are you posting this on the world wide web then?" "Those who don't know me what do they care, so why would I care, those that do know me, like them to understand this new me if there still reading this, and if someone keeps fighting because of reading this then my darkest skeletons are worth it!"

I'm not sure when it went dark for me. Honestly I've been in the shadows for awhile but could still see. But when you can see even in the dimmest light your mind and your heart comprehends and believes that your in the light!

Basically I still made it through life, I had Friends, was a great athelete, had family that cared, supported and provided for me. Belonged to a relgion with solid good values. I made people laugh, kissed boys and got jobs. I could see certain dangers, avoid darker areas. But not being able to see clearly I made up my own world in front of me, sure real things happened to me because I could see just enough to be able to get through life, saw the same things others saw, and then imagined, lied, conived my way through the rest!

But lies are funny, they stop becoming lies they become real! You start to believe them, feeling them, I could literally create in my mind a broken arm, be able to show you where, what kind of break, how it happened, when it happened. What doctor took care of me, color of my cast, and the scar! Why does that happen because I've told the lie so so many times I believe it now, just as sure as I believe that the sky is blue.

If I tell myself I am a good, honest person, a fun outgoing, always has a story for everything. ( Guys that know me, think back did I not always always have a story for EVERYTHING?)

then I am. Even if I am hurting people around me I get to make up whats right in front of me! "Jayci, here is a million dollars I want to give you!" "No, thats not a million dollars, I get to make what I want to see, and if I don't see it, ITS NOT THERE!" So "Jayci, I love you I only want to help, BULLSHIT! "Jayci, thats probably not the right thing to do, telling you this because I care" BULLSHIT!

Did I really just throw my Family, friends, people I don't even know off that bridge, watching them lying there bleeding, People saw me do it, and told me "wow jayci you just Threw her or him right over.

And in my eyesite, I sure as hell didn't! I just pushed them, they didn't even fall down.

Now let me jump ahead for you, while I was in rehab I stepped out of the shadows, and saw myself and my life clearly, All of a sudden I wasn't able to make my own scenes of my life, I saw the cold hard truth!

1. Jayci was worth a damn! I deserved to see my life clearly.

2. The destruction! I couldn't even blink had to look at it, straight at it!

( I've never been emotionally exhausted, meaning your simply sitting in a chair not even moving and you cant sit up anymore, that day after seeing an honest life, a Real life was the most heart wrenching, knock out, freakin unreal grace of God experince of my life) more shattering then finding the love of my life, more shattering then bringing life into this life! It was God, It was me, walking over to this sweet beautiful girl picking her up, wiping her tears, showing her she wasn't lost, showing her the way, looking to her side and seeing a man, husband, who fits her in every way the strength of his heart, the warmth in his eyes, seeing the cuts and bruises from trying to lead her the right way, or look day after day for where she had gone. Looking down to her feet, and seeing to miracles with eyes just like hers, little hands reaching for an embrace only a mother can give, complete forgiveness and trust. Hearing 'I love you Mommy', "lets go build sandcasltes and be princesses" seeing when there little hands and feet were blue from the cold, the scum and dirt from not getting baths, so "mommy could go buy drugs" and couldn't afford the gas bill!

3. A happiness I have never known. A compassion I have never felt, A Regret, A Peace and a Rock hard hope that will never ever Fade, break, or drown!

God found me, God gave me the strength to turn my life over to him, when the shadows come I take his hand and let him lead me, don't try and go my own way! Spirituality is such a simple thing, Its made me be able to live in Harmony with the way things are, to never shut the door on my past let it serve me in my happiness of today! My attitude is the only thing I can control, if should react

JAYCI READ THIS!!!

I have to type this stuff down so I don't forget! And when Tomas comes back and we fall into the routine of husband and wife, and family life! I don't want to forget these things!!!
1. Jayci.. when tomas gets home GO to him and hug him, be glad he is home let him see it in my eyes.
2. When he got back from that 4 day mission and we finally got to talk on the phone, and I knew he was back at his base! I felt Butterfly's. We were both laughing we were so embarrassed by how good it was t hear eachother!
3. Good Friends! Oh thank you so much for your calls! Sometimes to be able to cry it out to someone helps so much! they took time out of there busy busy life to make sure I was okay!
4. That even though Tomas is all together to good for me! ( I don't say this out of pity or wanting it) its just the fact! As a human being Tomas is better than I! But He chooses me! And from that I draw power to be better!
5. Got out my car today! In a parking lot. And just Screamed! Banged my hands on the hood! and let it all out! Took some deep breathes and got back in the car! Reese looked at me like I was nuts! But sometimes its not good to keep it all in! Next time that urge comes! DO IT JAYCI just let it out! You will feel better!

Swear on our Dovvve!!

You know those situations where, you find yourself surrounded by lots of people but yet you feel somewhat all alone, no real connection with anyone! I mean they have to see it in my eyes, that what i'm looking at isn't at all what I'm seeing or feeling! Just that lost dazed look! I feel I wear that alot these days!

It brings me back to swimming! Haven't swam in a long long time! Quick thought how something can just consume your life and as life moves on it simply fades!!! Anyways, I swam distance races, which means, I had to control my pace, start out strong and get in a good groove, but with each lap try too gain more speed and maintain that speed! I feel with this Deployment I'm on my last two laps! They put numbers in the water so you can see what lap your on, and when you make hit that last two lengths, bells go off that you can hear, and when you turn instead of a number there is a bright red square!!! And You give it all you have, even when there is no more, you've been numb to the pain because you've been at that pace for awhile, and then BAM time to dig deep and give it your all!!!

I'm there!!! With this deployment! I'm on my last two laps and I'm so so tired, but I've just got to dig deep and find the strength to preform better and more brillant than I even started! Because if you don't you might not finish where you would like!!! And me and Tomas really have been going for Gold! These past few weeks, we have both felt so so drained, yet continue to give each other strength, and love, share memories, laugh together, cry together! But man we are so exhausted! But Tomas is so good at being that bright red square for me!!! The JAYCI KICK IN GEAR GIRL YOU WANT TO WIN THIS RACE, AND YOU WANT BE PROUD OF THE RACE YOU JUST FINISHED!!

Tomas has had it so much harder than I have, and yet he is still there for me, cheering me up, leaving me texts, sweet notes on facebook! And then a post like that just gives me such motivation! He is part of me and I him. And there literally have been some days where I Think his soul is in me pushing me along! The girls have his eyes and his zest for life! His playfulness, and his comfort! To not be able to hold and touch what you created has been one of Tomas's biggest challenges and he still has a bright smile, or song to sing to them!

I'm sorry Tomas for my mistakes and my selfish nature!

But i'm not sorry at how they show me what I have. And how lucky I am to have a Good Man on my arm! I'm not going to say I don't deserve you because I think you were made just for me! Your body was made to fit mine perfectly! To finish my sentences, to kiss the tears, to share my bed, use my 30 dollar shampoo ;), to finish cleaning the dishes!

Tomas I could die right now! Lighting could come down and strike me dead! And all I can do is smile! Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face to wake me up and realize what I have! Your my religion Tomas! I couldn't and wouldn't be the Women I am today, the mother I am today, the wife without you! Everyday I wake up I choose you!!! And Every night I go to sleep your my dreams! Your my Fairytale! We will always have our stumbles but this deployment has proven our love and commitment that I would never trade!

I'm so excited when we get back into the swing of life, that we will have these memories of what it could be like! And be grateful to be able to hug eachother, smell, taste, hear, feel! Things that I took for granted will not happen! I have real life experiences to remind me of my mind blowing, crazy almost love for you!

Oh I crave the Peace of laying in bed and hearing you get in the shower and open cupboards, hear you eat, laugh! And know your only secs away if I want too suddenly hold you!

I believe in you Tomas, in our future that won't just be about laundry and soccer practice and sub divisions and minivans! I want to make you a better person, I want to be a example! I want to love another child into this world! (in time teheee) I want to stimulate your mind and your body! I want to give and I want to get! And I want it all in You!

It may sound woo woo hoo hah but I can feel the growth in us Tomas!

I love our Spark!

I love whatever it is about you that lets me be me or more to the point, whatever it is about you that makes me be a better me!

I imagine the time in the shower in our little house in North Ogden, I opened my eyes and the color of your eyes somehow green yet bright blue just staring right into my soul, and your eyelashes were so long and stuck togther, and I felt how beautiful I was from your eyes!!!

Tomas I love you! And I can't wait till this Race is over, and we can look back and from that go more forward!!!

Reese and Halle love yo so so much! I love that art piece I bought instead of paying the gas bill! ;)
MY PRINCE HAS COME.... HIS NAME IS DADDY!

All my love Tomas in this life and beyond!!!!! J

I miss her so much..

So this is Tomas. I just needed to write a post for my wife. I want everybody to know how much I love and miss Jayci every min of every day. I knew I loved Jayci from the moment I saw her walk into Denney's I was in the middle of being dumped bye my girlfriend of almost for years and was pretty broken. I was hanging out with my buddy Jared and he said hey lets hang out with this girl Jayci. I wasn't really in the mood but went anyways. So we are there drinking water and here comes this girl beautiful smile that caught my eye right off the bat. I remember what she was wearing, how could I forget? Right off the bat we became best friend. I knew deep down I wanted more then that. So we all hung out for a month almost every day when out of the blue she said I am moving to Hawaii I was a little hurt but I fingered she is just not the one for me. Wile she was gone we still talked on the phone all the time and i decided i need to get away do something good and something for me. In a matter of two days without telling anybody I joined the army. Two days before i left i was working at blockbuster and Jared said hey I am going to stop bye i have some thing for you. He pulled up came in the store and walked with me trying to get me to look at him when out of the corner of my eye i saw a girl walk in with this volcom hat She smiled and right whin I saw that beautiful smile my heart stoped. I knew who it was. I ran over to her gave her the biggest hug and asked her if i could give her a ride home. On the way to B.F.E. aka honeyville She said something i wont ever forget " hey look what channa wrote" I read her text and it said. Are you going to kiss him? Once again My heart stoped because I have wanted to kiss this girl from day one. I pulled in her drive way and went in for the kill. And there was something in my way. It was her hat even though it look so cute on her I had to rip it off and throw it in the back of my truck. It was a day i will never forget. The next day I left for boot camp and I was at the office to leave and who showed up Jayci with that Beautiful smile and guess what? Yep my heat stopped again. That is a little bit of our story. I just want every one to know that My heart Skipp's a beat when I am around her. That she is my world and I am the man and father I am today because I have her in my life. Jayci has my Heart and will for now and forever.. I love you Jayci Dawn Chino You will be in my arms in only three short months. And yes my heart will stop or skip a beat when I get off that plain and see her standing there... This past year has been filled with tears, Tears of sadness, tears of happiness, tears of love, and soon the best tears yet. Tears of a reunion. That we know we will never be apart and if we are that we have each other to lean on. See you soon Baby.


LOVE TOMAS..

I'm miles from where you are

Since I've got Facebook, I feel like I'm neglecting my blog! And its funny because the only time I want to write is when I hear a song that I want to write about!
This song is pretty self explanatory! Bottom line I miss Tomas so bad sometimes I can't breathe! I want him here more than anything, feel his weight on me! His soft nuzzles and warm smiles! There isn't much I wouldn't do if someone said you can see him right now! Like I said before ever since we talked on New years that magic is still with us! Every time we talk we are cracking up about our beautiful girls, funny movie quotes! And we both know how much we love each other,it probably takes six or seven I love yous to hang up! Next year at this time, I'm going to come back and read these posts and remember how strong me and Tomas are! How determined we are to be happy and have passion in our relationship! To always want to take care of the other! As much as I envy other couples that are together! I pity them as well that they don't get an opportunity to grow and the things you learn by having your other half sent to war!

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from 'A' to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths Jobby that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My finger in creases of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've found so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

After I have traveled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming, pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep in

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
And I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
and I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

WELCOME TO FLEMINGS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!

So I had to work this New years, And I was okay with that, since the one I wanted to kiss when the bells rang in the new year is out of town!! But we were so busy and the people that came in were in great fun party moods! The girls spent the night with my mom, and have a huge party!! lol, my girls partied harder than there mom and dad this year! I got off at like 11, went to Betos and got there plain tortillas, Love them, and then went home and called Tomas! I have to write about that conversation last night, it was just magical, amazing! We talked about life and the previous new years. And just making each other laugh! Talking about girls and how special they are! And how nuts they can be! Talked about our goals! Our future... We gave each other strength to get through the rest of this deployment!Talked about how much we miss sex, well not just "talked" lol! We just enjoyed being together, even just through the phone! He wished me sweet dreams and that's how my new year began! Its been a crazy decade! I graduated ,moved to Hawaii, got married, had two girls! And I'm excited for the next one!!!!!!!!!!!! Farewell 2009!

3

Sorry my posts have been all about music but I'm missing Tomas so much and Can't read anymore!!! I love finding new bands, and then I go through and listen to almost every damn song. The mountain goats what the hell kind of name is that!?! But these songs just hit me hard, the lyrics, his voice! But I'm going to explain how I feel these songs touch me!!!

Here we go!

Game shows that touch our lives
The Mountain Goats...

"Dug up a fifth of Hood River gin
That stuff tastes like medicine
But I'll take it
It'll do

On the couch in the living room all day long
Music on the television playing our song
And I'm in the mood
The mood for you

Turn the volume up real high
All of that money look at it fly
And you smoking like a chimney
Shadows crawled across the living room's length
I held onto you with a desperate strength
With everything with everything in me
And I handed you a drink of the lovely little thing
On which our survival depends
People say friends don't destroy one another
What do they know about friends?

Thunderclouds forming cream white moon
Everything's going to be okay soon
Maybe tomorrow
Maybe the next day

Carried you up the stairs that night
All of this could be yours if the price is right
I heard cars headed down to oblivion
Up on the expressway
Your drunken kisses as light as the air
Maybe everything that falls down eventually rises
Our house sinking into disrepair
Ah but look at this showroom filled with fabulous prizes"

I love this song because it reminds me of when we had Halle, and we were both so exhausted from lack of sleep, And for that 1st week we woke up and watched tv almost all day! Just cuddling on the couch and we couldn't even see the floor it was that messy!
"I held onto you with a desperate strength
With everything with everything in me"

I love this line!! Most of us are holding on with everything in us!

"Everything's going to be okay soon
Maybe tomorrow
Maybe the next day"

This line is the attitude I try and have with being gone! Tomas is so strong, HE WILL MAKE IT HOME! Back to my arms!!!!

"Our house sinking into disrepair
Ah but look at this showroom filled with fabulous prizes"

I think this is super profound! You may have a big beautiful home, with nice appliances, soft carpets and amazing furniture! But with alot of people I think its Bull shit!
We fill our homes with fabulous prizes, but if your not happy those prizes mean nothing!!!

NO CHILDREN!
The Mountain Goats
I hope that our few remaining friends
Give up on trying to save us
I hope we come up with a failsafe plot
To piss of the dumb few that forgave us
I hope the fences we mended
Fall down beneath their own weight
And I hope we hang on past the last exit
I hope it's already too late
And I hope the junkyard a few blocks from here
Someday burns down
And I hope the rising black smoke carries me far away
And I never come back to this town again
In my life
I hope I lie
And tell everyone you were a good wife THIS IS WHERE THE TEARS STARTED! LOL BECAUSE I KNOW TOMAS WILL ALWAYS TELL PEOPLE THAT I WAS A GOOD WIFE, AND MOTHER! EVEN IF IT IS A LIE! UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
And I hope you die
I hope we both die

I hope I cut myself shaving tommorow
I hope it bleeds all day long
Our friends say it's darkest befor the sun rises
We're pretty sure they're all wrong
I hope it stays dark forever
I hope the worst is'nt over
I hope you blink before I do
And I hope I never get sober
And I hope when you think of me years down the line
You can't find one good thing to say
And I hope that if I found the strength to walk out
You'd stay the hell out of my way
I am drowning
There is no sign of land
Your are coming down with me I HOPE ITS UP! BUT NO MATTER WHAT IT'LL BE HAND IN HAND
Hand in unloveable hand
And I hope you die
I hope we both die


Okay that song is pretty dark, Bottom line Marriage is tough! You know those days when all your doing is fighting and trying to up the other! And you contemplate are you happy? is this the life you chose? Do you want out? Probably one of the hardest times in our married lives was when we had just had reese and we were so so broke! Tomas would leave before 8 and sometimes get home by 8 or 9, I was lonely and depressed, tomas didn't like were he was at in his life, trying to decide how to juggle school work, his family! We were hiding certain things in our lives to people! IT felt like the world was crumbling around us and we were just helpless! This song reminds me of the self pity I was allowing myself to feel! I literally wanted to be carried far far away! I really love the ending of this song, only because I interpret that no matter what, that whether me and Tomas are going down together, or Up together!! I'll never let him go! And he won't let me go! Sometimes remembering the bad makes the now that much more sweeter! And thats how this song hit me! I wouldn't trade places with the us back then for the us now, even with tomas a million miles away right now!




SEVENTY TIMES SEVEN!
Brand New

Back in school they never taught us
What we needed to know
Like how to deal with despair
Or someone breakin your heart
For twelve years I've held it all together
But a night like this is just beggin to pull me apart LOVE LOVE THIS LINE!!
I played it quiet left you deep in conversation
I felt uncool and hung out around the kitchen
I remember I kept thinking
That I know you never would
And now I know I want to kill you
Like only a best friend could

Everyone's caught on to everything you do
Everyone's caught on to...

As if it happening wasn't enough
I got to go and write a song
Just to remind myself how bad it sucked
Ignore the sun, covers over my head
Wrote a message on my pillow that says
"Jesse, stay asleep in bed"
Don't apologize (I hope you choke and die!)
Search your cell for something which to hang yourself MY CELL PRETTY MUCH HUNG ME
They say you need to pray
If you want to go to heaven
But they don't tell you what to say
When your whole life is going to Hell!

Everyone's caught on to everything you do
Everyone's caught on to...
Everyone's caught on to
(and I can't let you let me down again)
Everything you do
Everyone's caught on to...
(and I can't let you let me down again)

So is that what you call a getaway?
Well tell me what you got away with
Cause I've seen more spine on jellyfish
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids THIS PERSON WOULDN'T HAVE OWNED UP TO ANYTHING..
Have another drink and drive yourself home
I hope there's ice on all the roads
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt
Then again when your head goes through the windshield

Is that what you call tact?
You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back
So let's end this call and end this conversation
And is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with
Cause you left the frays from the ties you severed
When you say "best friends" means friends forever

Is that what you call a getaway?
Well tell me what you got away with
Cause I've seen more spine on jellyfish
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids
Have another drink and drive yourself home
I hope there's ice on all the roads
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt
Then again when your head goes through the windshield

(I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to everything you do
(and I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to...
(I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to everything you do
(and I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to...

I've loved this song heard it several million times ;) but a while back I was driving and crying, Reese had just finished her tae kwon do class and we were driving home, but that song came on the radio so instead I just kept on driving, I grabbed my cd case and found that song and put it on repeat! At first I just focused the song on a certain person and was like yes, exactly! Damn this song got it right!!! At this point I hadn't really taken full responsibility for my actions and was just pissed off at everything!!! Alot of Whys, why me, Why didn't I do things different, why am I all alone dealing with this! And just Blaming this person! But that drive changed alot of things. I found myself driving to the one I had hurts work, The girls were asleep and I sat there for over an hour, Crying and trying to think of the best possible most sincere apology that I could muster! I said it allowed over and over, but I couldn't get out of the car! I watched the person I had hurt just get in there car and drive away! I still regret not getting out of my car! on the way home the song I felt was about me, that I had no spine, no guts, and people were probably hoping I'd go through a windsheild. Because the next day all hell broke loose! Phone calls and Emails and Texting, I felt like an animal shoved in a corner! And my reaction was to fight! And in the end lost everyone! But whenever I hear this song I can't help but think this is what he deserves!!! I'm proud of myself for speaking up!! But I kinda hate myself for speaking up!!! I may only be able to tpye it or think it. Right now! But I honestly am so broken and sorry for the part I Played! If I get up to heaven and god lets me look down and change some things, This would be right up front!


Anyways Sorry these are all kinda downer songs! Happy ones just don't hit that spot as hard! But they all three brought up feelings that I needed to deal with, and my blog is where it falls!