Celebrating 12 years!

Hello, friends it has been a long time. The honest truth is I never could remember my password and couldn't delete it. I have so much to share and this blog spot is where I will humbly by the bold Grace of God share my story.

Tonight of all nights is the night before I got married 12 years ago, I was filled with anticipation to marry Tomas. Tomas was my first. I was virgin when I met him and he's still the only man I've ever had sexual intercourse with. I enjoy telling my children this, about mom & dad. Our marriage has been at war from the start. Literally & Figurtively. We met at Denny's restaurant through a close friend and I still have the clothes we were wearing in a drawer somewhere. Those that know me understand I have a memory for detail. I could walk you to the bench and sit down where I first met him. It was short and brief he was in a serious relationship and had just gotten home from an LDS mission, and I watched him maintain as deep blows to the mind penetrated  his facial expressions. It was pain, yet he hung up and jumped right back into the lively conversation of the happenings of Living  Scriptures where me and his friend worked, convincing him to join our rag team. I hopped in my new car to drive home and he had the attention of my thoughts, I'm a front and center thinker. Did I dream of him that first night only the God and perhaps the angels. I know the demons saw. And they were so patient. They saw me standing in my wedding dress getting a phone call that my young husband would be deploying, patient they were and this blog that you stumbled upon was when my husband got deployed again to Afghanistan in 2008. As we sat this morning and played chess, a small coffee in my hand and the word in my heart . I sat astounded. I fell to my knees in worship on my kitchen floor when he left to go take donuts to our sweet Halle Jay for her 9th birthday at school. I could almost hear the angels singing Glory, to the light of the world. I joined them, and I will never stop.

Sincerely Social,
Jayci 💜🙋🏼

Heart of the Matter with Shawn McCraney

Heart of the Matter with Shawn McCraney

Listen to jayci chinos playlist

5 years

I remember about 3 years ago telling Tomas, that in five years we would have it made... We'd be set on our course for life and be in cruising mode. Ha not sure what made me think of that today. But it hit hard enough that I wanted to blog about it, plus finally got the sweet headphones fixed so I can tune out everything. Been vibing to Sia right now and it puts me in a kinda hopeful state of things. This time last year sure was difficult. Tomas was gone, I was gone and it was Halle's 2nd Bday went through the motions of course, she was spoiled and wearing a very pretty pink Dress think I even have a picture of that day. I was up at my parents if I can find it i'll post it.

Tonight I'm just thinking that I don't think I'll ever say in 5 years we will have it made, we'll be on cruise control! I see many many SHARP left and right hand turns that all of a sudden lead me on a completely different path. You may very well be prepared for a waterfall, and come across a dry deseret you've gotta climb. :) is that what makes life exciting, the unknown! Sure we could be in constant fear of the Unknown and change. But I think I just need to be prepared. Be prepared for change and how to handle it with grace and Honor. Wierd words! "thats how she wants to handle her unknown and change! Yup. Grace is something every girl should strive for, finding humanity in all things. And honor! Mostly being honored to be a mother and wife, Take it for granted everyday i'm sure, but seeing it and striving for it helps. My daughter is going to be 5 this year, and I will have been married for 6 years! Me and Tomas have been through hell and back.. The and back is the part I like to focus on. We come back, back to eachother. This past deployment almost took us. The Post Deployment almost took us again! We've been picked up and dropped by family and friends. So far we have raised 2 adorable girls. Who for now see the world as wonderful as a cupcake for breakfast, they see me and Tomas that way as well! I look in Reese's eyes and there is no dissapoinment, searching for flaws. Just pure love and a hug at every turn. I wonder if she knows she saves me sometimes. I cut myself last year on my upper thigh pretty deep. Way dark time for me. Reese will see the scar sometimes and when she does she says " you got hurt there huh mom, is it feeling better, here i'll kiss it better."

I do however hope that in 5 years, I won't have made the same mistakes twice. I'll have grown and with some prayer and luck have a little more grace and honor!

I love you Tomas. six years...almost
I love you Reese
I love you Halle Happy Bday... almost

I hate that petty, childish part of me that just wants to Stick To You!
I want to throw this person into the mud and into the light for who they really are. Ugghhh, jayci be the bigger person, be the bigger person! Don't go spreading shit (even if its true) create drama! But Freak I want to so so bad! Please someone help knock some sense into me about just letting things go! Dont hang on to things that don't matter! Yes yes I know.... But that Stick it to you! Is so strong! I mean i'm obvioulsy just venting or I would share everything right here right now! And I'm not, just needed to get that off my chest!

I was wondering when this night would come that I would be able to write some of my thoughts and experiences on my blog, and still not sure if I am ready. But when the song gets inside me like tonight and I feel I can really let some things out!

I share..

If your reading this you really need to get in the right frame of mind to Read it! These are my most intimate thoughts, feelings not bullshit, completely Raw and Finally Real! ( Not lying to myself what I you use to think real was, which to me Was real back then).

"Why are you posting this on the world wide web then?" "Those who don't know me what do they care, so why would I care, those that do know me, like them to understand this new me if there still reading this, and if someone keeps fighting because of reading this then my darkest skeletons are worth it!"

I'm not sure when it went dark for me. Honestly I've been in the shadows for awhile but could still see. But when you can see even in the dimmest light your mind and your heart comprehends and believes that your in the light!

Basically I still made it through life, I had Friends, was a great athelete, had family that cared, supported and provided for me. Belonged to a relgion with solid good values. I made people laugh, kissed boys and got jobs. I could see certain dangers, avoid darker areas. But not being able to see clearly I made up my own world in front of me, sure real things happened to me because I could see just enough to be able to get through life, saw the same things others saw, and then imagined, lied, conived my way through the rest!

But lies are funny, they stop becoming lies they become real! You start to believe them, feeling them, I could literally create in my mind a broken arm, be able to show you where, what kind of break, how it happened, when it happened. What doctor took care of me, color of my cast, and the scar! Why does that happen because I've told the lie so so many times I believe it now, just as sure as I believe that the sky is blue.

If I tell myself I am a good, honest person, a fun outgoing, always has a story for everything. ( Guys that know me, think back did I not always always have a story for EVERYTHING?)

then I am. Even if I am hurting people around me I get to make up whats right in front of me! "Jayci, here is a million dollars I want to give you!" "No, thats not a million dollars, I get to make what I want to see, and if I don't see it, ITS NOT THERE!" So "Jayci, I love you I only want to help, BULLSHIT! "Jayci, thats probably not the right thing to do, telling you this because I care" BULLSHIT!

Did I really just throw my Family, friends, people I don't even know off that bridge, watching them lying there bleeding, People saw me do it, and told me "wow jayci you just Threw her or him right over.

And in my eyesite, I sure as hell didn't! I just pushed them, they didn't even fall down.

Now let me jump ahead for you, while I was in rehab I stepped out of the shadows, and saw myself and my life clearly, All of a sudden I wasn't able to make my own scenes of my life, I saw the cold hard truth!

1. Jayci was worth a damn! I deserved to see my life clearly.

2. The destruction! I couldn't even blink had to look at it, straight at it!

( I've never been emotionally exhausted, meaning your simply sitting in a chair not even moving and you cant sit up anymore, that day after seeing an honest life, a Real life was the most heart wrenching, knock out, freakin unreal grace of God experince of my life) more shattering then finding the love of my life, more shattering then bringing life into this life! It was God, It was me, walking over to this sweet beautiful girl picking her up, wiping her tears, showing her she wasn't lost, showing her the way, looking to her side and seeing a man, husband, who fits her in every way the strength of his heart, the warmth in his eyes, seeing the cuts and bruises from trying to lead her the right way, or look day after day for where she had gone. Looking down to her feet, and seeing to miracles with eyes just like hers, little hands reaching for an embrace only a mother can give, complete forgiveness and trust. Hearing 'I love you Mommy', "lets go build sandcasltes and be princesses" seeing when there little hands and feet were blue from the cold, the scum and dirt from not getting baths, so "mommy could go buy drugs" and couldn't afford the gas bill!

3. A happiness I have never known. A compassion I have never felt, A Regret, A Peace and a Rock hard hope that will never ever Fade, break, or drown!

God found me, God gave me the strength to turn my life over to him, when the shadows come I take his hand and let him lead me, don't try and go my own way! Spirituality is such a simple thing, Its made me be able to live in Harmony with the way things are, to never shut the door on my past let it serve me in my happiness of today! My attitude is the only thing I can control, if should react

JAYCI READ THIS!!!

I have to type this stuff down so I don't forget! And when Tomas comes back and we fall into the routine of husband and wife, and family life! I don't want to forget these things!!!
1. Jayci.. when tomas gets home GO to him and hug him, be glad he is home let him see it in my eyes.
2. When he got back from that 4 day mission and we finally got to talk on the phone, and I knew he was back at his base! I felt Butterfly's. We were both laughing we were so embarrassed by how good it was t hear eachother!
3. Good Friends! Oh thank you so much for your calls! Sometimes to be able to cry it out to someone helps so much! they took time out of there busy busy life to make sure I was okay!
4. That even though Tomas is all together to good for me! ( I don't say this out of pity or wanting it) its just the fact! As a human being Tomas is better than I! But He chooses me! And from that I draw power to be better!
5. Got out my car today! In a parking lot. And just Screamed! Banged my hands on the hood! and let it all out! Took some deep breathes and got back in the car! Reese looked at me like I was nuts! But sometimes its not good to keep it all in! Next time that urge comes! DO IT JAYCI just let it out! You will feel better!